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It's gone viral.. my part in an epidemic
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My personal highlight of having the norovirus was the dignified, sexy moment I head-butted the toilet mid-puke and gave myself a black eye
So, good festive break?
My mate’s ex-boyfriend sent her a book called What Am I Doing Wrong? (How to Stop Repeating The Same Mistakes In Your Relationships) – definitely 2012’s most awful Christmas present.
Or so I thought, until I received a surprise gift on Boxing Day.
Worst of all, I caught it from a little baby so cute that when it projectile vomited at the dinner table people said “Awwww…” instead of “Uuuuugh…”
If I tell the baby I’m never speaking to it* again it won’t care, or even understand, because it can’t talk yet.
And if I tell anyone else I’m never speaking to a baby again, I will seem like the out-of-order one.
(Well, if my focus group is any indication anyway: He looked at me like a) he wished he’d never married me, and b) I’d just bitten the head off a kitten – which obviously I’d never do, even if it gave me norovirus, because how could you blame a poor, innocent little creature?)
Anyone wondering how a person could be so vengeful has never had norovirus.
The details would probably make you as sick as I was, so all I’ll say is that it is an evil, evil illness.
My personal highlight was the dignified, sexy moment I head-butted the toilet mid-puke and gave myself a black eye.
But, weirdly, having norovirus wasn’t all bad. It’s complicated, you see – on one hand it’s a hideous ordeal you’ll probably never fully recover from, emotionally at least, but on the other, you can’t help feeling very current.
You’ve got the thing that’s on the news. You are part of the epidemic. You have succumbed.
After my bloke heard that norovirus cases had risen to a million, he said proudly, “A million and one!” and offered me his hand for a high five (the kind of strenuous activity I could only dream of ever having the strength to perform again one distant day in the future).
When I bravely summoned up the energy to text friends back, they were all much more sympathetic/impressed than if I’d just said I had stomach flu.
Obviously, Norovirus by any other name does not still smell as sweet.
Once I’d bravely recovered (although it should be noted that of the two patients mentioned, one cried pathetically like a baby throughout, and the other was a baby) there was only one thing to do. Spread it.
No, not the Norovirus itself – just the fact I’d had it.
Luckily, at this time of year, the first thing anyone asks is if you had a good Christmas, and because most people lie, my answer has gone down well so far.
“No, I nearly died of that Norovirus” is a much more interesting answer than, “Yeah, it was nice thanks,” after all. I’ve even had a few gasps in reply (black eye = worth it).
But to be fair, I’m confident I can now answer any question norovirusly.
“Did you see that TV show?” “No, I was probably in bed with norovirus.”
“Would you like a cup of tea?” “Yes, I need liquids regularly as I recently had norovirus.”
“Do you have the time please?” “Yes, it’s 72 hours 16 minutes since I recovered from norovirus.”
The funny thing is that despite me mentioning it constantly, some of my friends still seem to have trouble remembering what I had. It’s pronounced norovirus, you sillies, not bore-ovirus.
*I’m calling the baby “it” because I’m trying to protect his/her anonymity, and writing “his/her” every time is too boring.
That's that cleared up then
“I am not Rihanna.” Anne Hathaway
Understatement of the year (so far)
“Awkward moment when your asleep naked in the hotel room at 3pm then the cleaner comes in!!! Not the start to the year she wanted!!! Haha.” TOWIE’s Arg
Positive thinker of the
week New Year
“Wishing everyone a happy & prosperous 2013 & let’s hope we don’t tumble over the fiscal cliff.” Joan Collins
Wit of the week
“May I be the first to wish everyone a very Happy New Year and all the best for 2014.” David Walliams